i am so lost.

who knew life is this hard for you. i'm sick. i have thalassemia meaning i can have heart failure anytime. kinda sucks. even eating meat and any blood supply food doesn't make much changes i have to go to checkups and stuff to increase my hemoglobin. my parents, they don't understand my situation which makes it worse i can't even focus on my studies with this thing getting me everyday. they have to check my heart every month. my blood? i have to take blood test each time i lost breath. i'm suffering with this kind of shit. and it's getting me out of my mind. i feel like killing myself right now. this is just too hard for me to handle. i thank god Adam is always with me. through our hard times and good times he never gave up on me. he treated me like shit sometimes, but that's normal for a relationship to fall. all i got to do is just give and take. but most of the time he's here with me. getting me where i have to be. getting me what i need staying with me when i'm alone. i never forget my parents tho. always remember them, the ones who supports me financially. i tried working for myself but kinda hard to find a proper job here. plus i always get sick. can't walk too much can't talk too much can't stand too long, really sucks. Thank god i get to rest. even while writing this, i can feel my heartbeat pumping too fast. the MA told me to visit them each time i feel off with my heartbeat. but tbh at this point how i wish it would stop. stop pumping my blood. there's no oxygen in my blood. Fighting this is like fighting cancer without having it. i know cancer is worst, but being tired 24/7 is not for me. i miss playing sports. miss being active. I miss the old happy and energetic me. to bad she's dead now. she's gone from the real world.