Sakura

 Almost 27 this year. Finally waking up from a 20 year old nightmare. Being controlled, manipulated, cheated, beaten, and screamed at made me realize I was living like a slave/robot for so long. The warmth I crave at my so called home never existed. It was just a facade they put up to keep me. The invisible chain they attach to me was never loose. I was watched, tracked, and recorded. Them being the reason why my mental health was declining was something I found surprising. I thought the source was just 1 person I hated in my life, but the truth? It was them. Those people who raised me for 20 years. Those people who I swore to love my entire life. Those people who schooled me, fed me, and funded me. They were the unseen caused of how my mental health was draining. Not a single worry was shown when I was warded alone in the hospital. Not a care about how to help me survive my no-cure illness. Matter of fact, I'm incurable and surprisingly I do have a few food restriction that they do not seem to remember or care for. When I say I cannot take too much iron cause it's bad for my liver, they bought a freaking steak back home. When I say I cannot eat nuts cause it get stuck at my throat, they bought a whole peanut based snacks back home. When I say not to let my cat out cause I'm allergic to the mites coming from the outdoors, they let my cat out and forced me to sleep with it. Just imagine, the clinic visits, the ER visits, the medical bill that I have to handle alone and yet I was called lazy and weak. I'm tired too. I have work too. I want a life too. If this is what I have to face I'd rather die. I'd rather poison myself and die in my room just to escape all the ignorance and selfish needs these people take from me. They never cared when I was harassed, bullied or used they even could still be in contact with that very person who destroyed my innocence. Going out of the house and getting a degree and living my life made me realize that the world has so much more to offer than just being tied to cash at home. I'm happy here. I'm not well off and been living under my boyfriend's income these few months but he is willing to help me out. He doesn't understand why those people treat me like that, neither do I, but he help me get my mind off them once in a while. He handles my tantrum and sensory overload like a pro. He helped me out when I burst and start to talk fast or smile weird. He reminds me of the allergy and made sure I have my meds with me when we go out. He showed me how to love myself and put myself first at every situation. He even taught me how to ask for help. Things that my parents should've taught me when I was younger. 

Now, I'm just a disobedient ungrateful child they bought on this world. Now, I'm just Sakura.

9 months

 9 months of torture and uncertainty, I still don't dare to call it safe at this moment; not with myself at least. All I feel was despair, hurt, confuse, mad and sad. I wanna scream and cry all the time just to vent it out but I am lucky to have someone special in my life that keeps me connected to my reality. He keeps me sane, fed, happy and satisfied. Despite having to go through all my tantrums, crying, and restlessness, he stayed holding me tight so I don't stray. He's not much honestly but just right. Enough for me and I am forever grateful to have him in my life. When I was having family issues, study stuff, or anything that makes me feel overwhelm he was there. When I cry cause we're too far apart, he's still there. My therapist asked me if my boyfriend helped me out on my mental well-being and i told him " i don't understand what type of help you are referring to but all I can say is I'm much much calmer when I'm around my boyfriend. He makes me feel safe and when I act out he stayed to make sure I was ok." All my therapist said was "that's good" 

After 9 months, finally I get to courage to rise up again. To be who I dream to be again cause 9 months ago, I thought I lost it all. 9 months ago, I thought I wasn't gonna live that long. 9 months ago, I thought happiness was a scam. 9 months ago, I lost my purpose to live and decided to be a robot. Now, here I am standing and breathing like a normal human being. I get to be more expressive and think through everything before I do something. 

Today with full confidence and certain, I wanna say that yes I do wish to marry my boyfriend. I want a life with him that lasts forever. I wanna go through his tough times with him like how he manages mine. I want to be happy and goofy with him like how he is with me. I am healing and I want to keep healing myself and letting go of the past. I don't want to cling on fake hopes anymore. I don't want to rely on fake people with their fake smile and warmth anymore. 16 year old me would be surprised on how well I'm handling big emotions and how well I manage my symptoms now. She would also be jealous of my boyfriend right now.

Well that's all from me (for now). Talk to you soon

Home they said

 Been awake since 8am (9Feb26) and now is 5.30am (10Feb26). only ate 1 bowl of maggie today.

This is what i pick up as a trigger respond and why i dont ever want to come back to my hometown.

Some of you might not know the whole story but my "home" is where it all started. Every side on these walls holds memories. Painful dreadful memories. Every smile in this house i see is like a ticking time bomb waiting for it to turn to rage. Istg there was even bloodshed within these walls. My siblings are safe because i am the experiment. Their experiment. Every move i make is wrong every word i speak is unheard. So when you decide to tell me "oh they are family you cant take it that way" you should see how they take me as "family"