shattered hearts

family are people who you trust, family are people who you rely on to. my fault as to trust the wrong person as a family. i had 7 awesome brothers an a sister. they are the people who i actually called homies, my familia. People who i trust the most, but i can't believe there was a poison among the 9 of us. a person who we all took as a family and a person who we felt pity for. that person legitly don't deserve to be accepted in the circle the first place.

i'm not saying this because i hate her. i don't. i'm just disappointed why would she do such thing to me and the whole family. especially me. if i were to expose shit about her it'd be bad af she might have to stop studying but i really don't wanna do it. but she made me feel that way instead. i have no idea why? was it because i was pissed at her and called her a bitch right infront of her face or was it because she felt insecure with me?

whatever her reason is idc anymore i just have shattered hearts rn and really don't wanna see her or even text her. not after what she had done. she didn't even came up and apologize to  me. but imma stop bragging about her rn. i'm tired of shit.

safe place.

agaknya aku dah takde tmpt tht i can call my safe place dah kut. aq dah hilang semua. cuma blog ni jela yang ada.

my life is literally wrecked.

at times its rainbows and butterfly but mostly it's just thunder storm and lightning.

i want my old self back. the arrogant boy hater emo punk who minds her own fucking business.

penatla nak fikir pasl orang. hakikatnya mana ada yang fikir pasal kita. sakit hati kita, susah payah kita, sape je yang ambik kisah?

i need a safe place. a home. someone in my life who wrecked me up outside but always keep me safe inside.

SONGS

I dont actually understand myself how some song gives so much affection to me. i feel myself going on the right path making the right mistakes and doing the right thing. at a point where music make me feel like its ok to be not wanted by others, it's ok to be where you are now. music makes me feel like, the world isn't as sophisticated as it looks. it's an open world. only a few people would hate you and make fun of you. not all will discriminate you. it's just that we have so little communication with people who will actually understands you. it's sometimes ok to be the outcast you dont have to feel so left out. all you gotta do is live your own world. rock it like no other. trust yourself and do/be what you want. my type of songs which make me feel so fucking free is
1. Avril Lavigne
2. Simple Plan
3. Linkin Park
4. Boys Like Girls

i can list a hell lot more but these are what i love most especially Avie 💓

fool

i screwed up pretty bad this time. i didn't tell the right person on time now it's to late. i know things wont be the same anymore but what can i say... things happen on a way you wont expect.. however or whatever is going to happen next always conslut the right person. no one else is better than the ones at home. at some points even ur friends arent that reliable

Little girl

i want to be called as someone's little girl. it's hard to throw that felling away. i still have feelings for him. guess all i can do is lie that i hate him. now and forever. i really wish i can turn back time and fix things back. i know what i'm doing now is making things worst. but to be fair i can't let  myself suffer alone. he was that guy i thought i can be together with and forget my past. but i guess i was wrong. he was not much different that others. i made a wrong choice and got stuck with it. what made me to have feelings for him bcoz i saw his other side. i saw his weak side and i want so much to protect him and tell him to stop being so insecure about things around him. i want to tell him that he can make change towards himself and there is still hope. i know how much insecure he is about himself towards others. what he has and dont, those stuff aren't necessary for him to think. scared you'll get off track and not wanted by others. he does not have to worry bout that bcoz i want to tell him so bad that everybody is there for him. I am there for him. it's true what he did to me was unforgiven, but it's not wrong for me to forgive, and i am still trying to forgive him.

what have i done?

i was blinded by love i was drunk by lust
i made a mistake and i can't turn back time
i don't know what to do
all i have in mind is suicidal act
if i have not fallen for you
i wouldnt be in this dramatical act

i have to act and put on a straight face
each time i feel the pain
i know i dont have hope
i know there's no way out.
but you know if i can't settle this out
you'll be the one they're gonna seek out

drugs

love is the most dangerous drugs among all. i don't know how to put this but its what i've been through. it can kill you not physically, but mentally. when it kills you mentally then physically it destroys you. my advice for all of you out there, if you want to fall in love, be sure you're ready for a commitment. it doesn't mean you're gonna get married, but you need to commit to your partner's heart. insanely i put myself into an unconditional love back then. it started 3 years ago. and it ended 5 months ago. its sad but still i need to face this. i need to face all the bullshit that i put myself in. i know i can