9 months

 9 months of torture and uncertainty, I still don't dare to call it safe at this moment; not with myself at least. All I feel was despair, hurt, confuse, mad and sad. I wanna scream and cry all the time just to vent it out but I am lucky to have someone special in my life that keeps me connected to my reality. He keeps me sane, fed, happy and satisfied. Despite having to go through all my tantrums, crying, and restlessness, he stayed holding me tight so I don't stray. He's not much honestly but just right. Enough for me and I am forever grateful to have him in my life. When I was having family issues, study stuff, or anything that makes me feel overwhelm he was there. When I cry cause we're too far apart, he's still there. My therapist asked me if my boyfriend helped me out on my mental well-being and i told him " i don't understand what type of help you are referring to but all I can say is I'm much much calmer when I'm around my boyfriend. He makes me feel safe and when I act out he stayed to make sure I was ok." All my therapist said was "that's good" 

After 9 months, finally I get to courage to rise up again. To be who I dream to be again cause 9 months ago, I thought I lost it all. 9 months ago, I thought I wasn't gonna live that long. 9 months ago, I thought happiness was a scam. 9 months ago, I lost my purpose to live and decided to be a robot. Now, here I am standing and breathing like a normal human being. I get to be more expressive and think through everything before I do something. 

Today with full confidence and certain, I wanna say that yes I do wish to marry my boyfriend. I want a life with him that lasts forever. I wanna go through his tough times with him like how he manages mine. I want to be happy and goofy with him like how he is with me. I am healing and I want to keep healing myself and letting go of the past. I don't want to cling on fake hopes anymore. I don't want to rely on fake people with their fake smile and warmth anymore. 16 year old me would be surprised on how well I'm handling big emotions and how well I manage my symptoms now. She would also be jealous of my boyfriend right now.

Well that's all from me (for now). Talk to you soon