9 months

 9 months of torture and uncertainty, I still don't dare to call it safe at this moment; not with myself at least. All I feel was despair, hurt, confuse, mad and sad. I wanna scream and cry all the time just to vent it out but I am lucky to have someone special in my life that keeps me connected to my reality. He keeps me sane, fed, happy and satisfied. Despite having to go through all my tantrums, crying, and restlessness, he stayed holding me tight so I don't stray. He's not much honestly but just right. Enough for me and I am forever grateful to have him in my life. When I was having family issues, study stuff, or anything that makes me feel overwhelm he was there. When I cry cause we're too far apart, he's still there. My therapist asked me if my boyfriend helped me out on my mental well-being and i told him " i don't understand what type of help you are referring to but all I can say is I'm much much calmer when I'm around my boyfriend. He makes me feel safe and when I act out he stayed to make sure I was ok." All my therapist said was "that's good" 

After 9 months, finally I get to courage to rise up again. To be who I dream to be again cause 9 months ago, I thought I lost it all. 9 months ago, I thought I wasn't gonna live that long. 9 months ago, I thought happiness was a scam. 9 months ago, I lost my purpose to live and decided to be a robot. Now, here I am standing and breathing like a normal human being. I get to be more expressive and think through everything before I do something. 

Today with full confidence and certain, I wanna say that yes I do wish to marry my boyfriend. I want a life with him that lasts forever. I wanna go through his tough times with him like how he manages mine. I want to be happy and goofy with him like how he is with me. I am healing and I want to keep healing myself and letting go of the past. I don't want to cling on fake hopes anymore. I don't want to rely on fake people with their fake smile and warmth anymore. 16 year old me would be surprised on how well I'm handling big emotions and how well I manage my symptoms now. She would also be jealous of my boyfriend right now.

Well that's all from me (for now). Talk to you soon

Home they said

 Been awake since 8am (9Feb26) and now is 5.30am (10Feb26). only ate 1 bowl of maggie today.

This is what i pick up as a trigger respond and why i dont ever want to come back to my hometown.

Some of you might not know the whole story but my "home" is where it all started. Every side on these walls holds memories. Painful dreadful memories. Every smile in this house i see is like a ticking time bomb waiting for it to turn to rage. Istg there was even bloodshed within these walls. My siblings are safe because i am the experiment. Their experiment. Every move i make is wrong every word i speak is unheard. So when you decide to tell me "oh they are family you cant take it that way" you should see how they take me as "family"

Growing up

Dear self, 

One day when you read this again, you're gonna look back at all the times u had with your friends during diploma. You're gonna say you miss them so much that nothing can top it. Remember that they were there when you fucked up. They never left you even after you isolate yourself. Murni, people will come and go and it hurts especially when they were so close to you. I know now that you're trying to be cautious with people and i don't blame you for that. Life sucks but your life still matter. You might not be as close to them like before but trust me, they wouldn't want you to take your life for granted. No matter how painful it is, you got this. I know that sometimes its too painful that not a single thing can help you but trust me, those people that is so dear to you wouldn't want you to knock yourself out. One more thing, remember your body is an "amanah" from Allah. Take good care of it. He loves you so much so don't forgot to pray ok? Allah rindu and I'm sure kau pun rindu nak submit to Allah. Igt ya murni, kita ni hanya manusia kecik. Apa yg kita ada semuanya temporary and borrowed. One day, kau kena jugak pulangkan walaupun kau tak rela. Jom start living for yourself? Let's grow up to be the person you've been longing to be ok? 

10 years

 In my previous post about the boat is about how i feel obligated to stay in the relationship. Today officially I stop talking to him. Sometimes, in a win-lose situation, you need to put urself first and move forward. I find it hard to accept this fate but I believe that there will be a time for me to finally be indulge by the person who appreciate me and my efforts. What should I expect when the relationship is 10-year long and still no progress. I wasted a decade of my time putting hope and faith in him just to see him use me as a scapegoat. I know I'm an idiot. My friends told me the same thing and my ex is not good at communicating which made it worse. He was never interested with getting to know and meet my friends but expect me to accept his friends. He waited every year for his birthday surprise but never celebrated mine (only twice within the 10 years). I was his problem solver even when he cheated. I was his place to whine and be mad at. I was the person he gossips abt his acquaintance but when it comes to mine, he's never interested to listen because most of my friends are guys. So for you who's reading this run when u saw the first red-flag or else, you're gonna get stuck like me too. 

Bipolar vs friends

 I'm trying so hard trying to maintain my sanity. I want to go berserk so much but i know it's gonna burn bridges. I have no more energy trying to control myself and apparently at this state i believe my meds are not working. I'm literally at the brink of my life. I don't know where I'll fall and those people i thought who'd catch me was never there. I'm alone and I'm scared. I'm too scared because i know how much of a monster i can be. I don't have anyone in my life that understand how my bipolar works. I'm back in my depression phase and I'm trying my best to avoid unwanted events but the pressure i'm going through is killing me. I desperately want to kill myself right now. I really hate this feeling and i cannot control it. I don't know where to get help and i'm far from my hometown and my mom is sick. I have no one right now.  

Boat

Being a student is hard yes but being in a relationship that's like a sinking boat is harder. you know it's about to sink but SOMEHOW it didn't. I'm tired of panic attacks and paranoia and overthinking things. It's exhausting. I know that I should've leave the moment it started to have holes and water slowly coming in but i can't cause it was my boat. It was my effort on every plank and nails. It was mine to begin with. He was the one that hopped in. He was the one that started to touch things he shouldn't have. It was suppose to be a boat that could fit a family and the fact that it is at a sinking state made me realize how hard work can turn to waste. I'm tired of asking him to fix it and I'm tired to be the only one who knows how to fix it. I want to leave so bad but that's my boat. I built it. I took it through all the storms and hurricane. Yes there was sunny days and warmth and sunshine. But when storms barge in I was the only one standing in the deck. Its like a one man show. It's a fucking boat! I can't do it alone!

Impulsive

 I have to agree that the old me is dead but somehow the new me is much more bitchier. The fact that I am now very much aware of how my surrounding work its either I don't give a fuck or I fuck around too much. I'm not here to give fake hopes anymore but sometimes it's fun to watch them beg. I know the old me would enjoy looking at people begging me but now I feel too guilty too face them that way. I am now a grown-ass women and I'm honestly done being bitchy. I just don't know how this would end. I want a happy ending not a troubled unresolve ending. I am growing and I am still trying my best to pick up the pieces and carefully mold them back together. I am trying to heal the old wounds that never left. It's just ridiculous when I looked back. I miss the old days yes but I really have to bury them deep.