Back to writing weird things

I'm 23 now and many shit has happened. I'm diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and still struggling with my thallasemia. i'm at my urge of giving up on life (like i always do). i don't know what kept me standing up to today. Is it my boyfriend? or myself? or my family? (i doubt that). I'm now working as a receptionist while i waiting for my degree entrance. it might be on October this year. i'm on quetapine 150mg. wee it's still a small dose. a lot of things has happened since i stopped writing. kinda miss he feeling of writing m blog. oh i'm still unmarried tho. i do want to get married but idk.. my bf doesnt talk abt it much. it's a bummer. welp, more freedom for me then. gotta go back to work now.. bye2

Depression

Hello people who still reads my blog. So recently, i was diagnosed with depression. OK I admit that i do have the symptoms of a depression but i don't bother much cause i thought mine was still something I could control. Until one day, my chest was pounding fast and I was unable to breath normally. I was about to faint. Since I am still doing my Internship, my colleagues suggested i should take the day off and head to clinic. I was unable to drive due to the dizziness and i called my boyfriend to take a Grab to my office and pick me up. He drove my car to get me breakfast and then to the clinic.

5 years of Adamurni

heyyo people look i have no idea what to give my boyfriend for this year's anniversary.. Yes we are committed but not married. just a committed relationship that not many understand. i love him i really do and we've gone through so many together. I love him UNCONDITIONALLY. No words can explain my feelings for him because i have all the feelings i know for him.. from the most nicest and positive feeling to the most brutal feelings i have. he is everything to me. i never had a friend/boyfriend/family/brother like him. he is just complete enough to make and ruin my day. nothing can ever compare to what he is to me. i hate him at times (most) but i love him more. it's different when you are committed to it. because you know what you need to do. you know the pros and cons of being this faithful to someone. and trust me.. NEVER trust anyone at all i don't trust him 100% but i just know that he is the right person for me. he is just it. you'll have this giddy in you feeling you that it is not wrong to make mistakes and wrong choices. you only live once and making mistakes is part of a learning process just don't be stupid enough to do it twice. you'll love your life more if you just know what to do with it.

fallen for it again

no matter how many times i went through a "false alarm" about someone i trust. i keep falling for it all over again. i thank god i had a quick recovery from it. i thought i could trust my bestfriend  whom i have feelings for... whom i wrote about recently but he was just it. Just as simple as others are. the one who got away with excuses like "i waited too long and couldn't stand this heartbreak anymore" lol i didn't asak for you to wait nor ask for the high hopes you've given me. HE KNOWS i have a boyfriend HE KNOWS its hard for me to get off the relationship no matter how toxic my relationship is. Why still wait for the impossible? why still grab me away from him? you know what? i couldn't bare to write anymore about this. i'll just leave a song to express how painful it was.
I LOVE HOW

eating disorder awareness.

hi. i'm a 20 year old girl who suffers eating disorder. and i didn't notice that till right now. since 2015 i have lost 5 kg of my weight drastically. i really taught there was no such thing as eating disorder or any such about reckless eating behaviors. all i know is high metabolism. until i saw a video about what is eating disorder. it turns out that even if you are not throwing up after too much food or even when u stress eat. that's a minor symptoms of eating disorder. eating disorder is somehow related to your mental health. when you're sad, you eat. when you're mad you're eat. you even feel like chewing something when you are about to sleep.
eating disorder can either be excessive eating or not eating at all. when i'm both. and tbh i keep calling it stress eating. thinking that it is just some habit instead of a disease. Right now, i still have no idea how to overcome it. My eating habits are like a 1000 pieces puzzle. i keep skipping meals but i still eat too much. i keep myself hydrated to avoid munching but it doesn't work. i still feel like chewing something. i still haven't stop smoking but i'm making a progress. Probably i'm like this because of my 'no cigarette' progress/ but what ever it is.. it sure takes up a long time.
will keep you guys updated about my eating disorder

here's to 4 years of me and you

i have a friend named Ojan. a great friend to talk to. a great friend who i owe a lot. secretly i do have some romantic feelings towards him but Adam is my BF so i decide to let it all go. But my intention was to never let him go away even as a friend. maybe i was being unfair to Adam and him but i couldn't handle the lost of them both. i don't talk much about him cause i rather keep my feelings towards him as a secret, but here i am now talking all bout it. i'm deeply sorry for what i have made you feel maybe meeting me, knowing me, being with me was a regret to you that you'll never forget. i've scared you deeply with my words and thoughts. i've scared you badly with my attitude. i really look up to you as a great person to talk to and yes i do love you but i have to keep it contained in me cause i would never want to hurt adam. not again. i owe both of you big time and i don't know how to repay you both. i am deeply, truly sorry for all my mistakes i've done towards. i'm sorry and here's to 4 years of glorious and reckless relationship i had with you Ojan. thank you for always being there with me through thick and thin. forevermore i will always remember you as a great friend. i love you.

XOXO -MFM

To Bulat sempena 4 years and 4 months

4 years 4 months. damn lama kut tu. dri x de pape now you have side jobs, a bike, getting your head straight in your studies. i've never been so proud of who you are. you literally was just some boy 4 years 4 months ago that appeared on my soc med. thank you, for giving me happiness and other random emotions. thank you for being the best and the worst for me. You know, even when you are being an asshole (most of the time), i never lost my faith in you, i never did wanted to give up. yes you lost my trust but not my love. i still want to care for you even at your worst i still wanna be with you even when you gave out harsh words. i still need you even when i say i don't. As useless as both of us can be. i'm very thankful of the 4 yrs and 4 months we've been together. i'm thankful that you showed me that being human is more than having emotions and a brain. Thank you so much for supporting me all the way even when i was obviously falling. thank you for not giving up on me when i know i couldn't go through shits anymore. thank you so much for loving me and cared me like no other. Muhd Adam Saiful Anuar, I really love you and hope nothing more than for us to stay together and be together for the rest of our lives. i love you so much and i need you to be part of my life. part of my ups and downs in my life. Happy 4years and 4 monthvesarry.