here's to 4 years of me and you

i have a friend named Ojan. a great friend to talk to. a great friend who i owe a lot. secretly i do have some romantic feelings towards him but Adam is my BF so i decide to let it all go. But my intention was to never let him go away even as a friend. maybe i was being unfair to Adam and him but i couldn't handle the lost of them both. i don't talk much about him cause i rather keep my feelings towards him as a secret, but here i am now talking all bout it. i'm deeply sorry for what i have made you feel maybe meeting me, knowing me, being with me was a regret to you that you'll never forget. i've scared you deeply with my words and thoughts. i've scared you badly with my attitude. i really look up to you as a great person to talk to and yes i do love you but i have to keep it contained in me cause i would never want to hurt adam. not again. i owe both of you big time and i don't know how to repay you both. i am deeply, truly sorry for all my mistakes i've done towards. i'm sorry and here's to 4 years of glorious and reckless relationship i had with you Ojan. thank you for always being there with me through thick and thin. forevermore i will always remember you as a great friend. i love you.

XOXO -MFM

To Bulat sempena 4 years and 4 months

4 years 4 months. damn lama kut tu. dri x de pape now you have side jobs, a bike, getting your head straight in your studies. i've never been so proud of who you are. you literally was just some boy 4 years 4 months ago that appeared on my soc med. thank you, for giving me happiness and other random emotions. thank you for being the best and the worst for me. You know, even when you are being an asshole (most of the time), i never lost my faith in you, i never did wanted to give up. yes you lost my trust but not my love. i still want to care for you even at your worst i still wanna be with you even when you gave out harsh words. i still need you even when i say i don't. As useless as both of us can be. i'm very thankful of the 4 yrs and 4 months we've been together. i'm thankful that you showed me that being human is more than having emotions and a brain. Thank you so much for supporting me all the way even when i was obviously falling. thank you for not giving up on me when i know i couldn't go through shits anymore. thank you so much for loving me and cared me like no other. Muhd Adam Saiful Anuar, I really love you and hope nothing more than for us to stay together and be together for the rest of our lives. i love you so much and i need you to be part of my life. part of my ups and downs in my life. Happy 4years and 4 monthvesarry.

i am so lost.

who knew life is this hard for you. i'm sick. i have thalassemia meaning i can have heart failure anytime. kinda sucks. even eating meat and any blood supply food doesn't make much changes i have to go to checkups and stuff to increase my hemoglobin. my parents, they don't understand my situation which makes it worse i can't even focus on my studies with this thing getting me everyday. they have to check my heart every month. my blood? i have to take blood test each time i lost breath. i'm suffering with this kind of shit. and it's getting me out of my mind. i feel like killing myself right now. this is just too hard for me to handle. i thank god Adam is always with me. through our hard times and good times he never gave up on me. he treated me like shit sometimes, but that's normal for a relationship to fall. all i got to do is just give and take. but most of the time he's here with me. getting me where i have to be. getting me what i need staying with me when i'm alone. i never forget my parents tho. always remember them, the ones who supports me financially. i tried working for myself but kinda hard to find a proper job here. plus i always get sick. can't walk too much can't talk too much can't stand too long, really sucks. Thank god i get to rest. even while writing this, i can feel my heartbeat pumping too fast. the MA told me to visit them each time i feel off with my heartbeat. but tbh at this point how i wish it would stop. stop pumping my blood. there's no oxygen in my blood. Fighting this is like fighting cancer without having it. i know cancer is worst, but being tired 24/7 is not for me. i miss playing sports. miss being active. I miss the old happy and energetic me. to bad she's dead now. she's gone from the real world.

ROAD TO NEW LEVEL OF RELATIONSHIP

Hello people who reads my blog diary, i just want to write something absurd today. It's cliche but it's about my bf! LOL. You could actually guess from the title anyways... BUT! I'm gonna tell something way different than what i use to say before. I'm getting engaged!!! Like officially engaged with a real ceremony and ring and dress and stuff liddat!! OMG pray for me guys.. They say in the duration of your engagement you're gonna be test OUTRAGEOUSLY. I pray to Allah to make our relationship work. I want to get married to this asshole so bad.

Yes we had our ups and downs. We tumble down badly and it is just INSANE! our 5 years of relationship was literally a ship sailing in the Bermuda ocean. It was just *speechless*. Even i don't know how to describe it. he had scandals behind my back, hit me, scolded me, treated me like shit. That was him. Even i was being a bad gf during our relationship, i cheated, i lied, went out with other guys, had feelings for other guys, purposely post pics of me and a guy on Instagram being cute together. Some of my friends even think that i have another bf. All those bad stuff happens and apparently we both forgave and forget. Well the forget part is still trying to work out.

Anyways, if you're in a relationship and you are not being tested out idk what you guys do in your relationship. Like there's always jealousy, curiosity, ignorance, and others. Just a simple reminder, always have a purpose on what you are doing. If you don't feel like there is a purpose in the relationship, you don't feel like making him or her your spouse one day then forget it. Don't proceed the relationship. I have ton of previous relays like that. They felt the same way and we moved on.

OK that's enough of the DARK SIDE of a relationship. Now move on to the sweet part of it. Every relationship is tough. It's like climbing mount Everest. Hard AF weyh! At situations like this, your partner plays a big role, always support each other in any kind of way possible. If you don't agree with his/her doing say so BUT NEVER force him/her. Your partner might think you are trying to bring them down. This is when all the sweet stuff happens. When she cries, or scared you are there to support her, when she's mad, you are there to cool her down, when she'a being crazy, you are there to be crazy with her. Your gf WILL appreciate that. If she doesn't then don't date a heartless human.

What i had with Adam is really-2 challenging. I love him. I really do. 5 years of just being his GF is totally not what i had in mind. Like i expected only a 1 month thing with this guy but turns out differently. I love how we video called each day and night asking bout each others day, how we always meet up and him accompany me to almost everywhere i go. Him fetching me up from school, KTM station, my home. Him giving me sweet text EVERY DAY and tell me that seeing me with another guy is his biggest fear. I know both of us made mistakes, but as far as i know, we never leave our problems unsolve. He never let me sleep with shits in my head. He never let me keep things in my head no matter how small it was. He always say that he doesn't want me to overthink things i should be thinking about. Yes he's not perfect but he is a HUMAN and humans make mistakes.

TBH I'm already engaged to Adam since last year according to Islam's view coz he proposed and i agreed. BUT as malays and we need to follow the culture, we need to have a ceremony to celebrate it. So yeah, i hope you guys pray for me. I pray Allah ease everything for me and I really can't wait to get married next year Insya-Allah.

xoxo- Sakura

life's puzzle

life is so short and full of mystery i have no idea how to explain and figure it out. All i know is to hv fun while i can. i miss every moment i had back then. no regrets on what i did cause i know i can never turn back time. i can't wait for what's gonna come soon. truthfully saying i cannot wait to get married i cannot wait to hv kids. i cannot wait for that part of me to appear in my life. but i know by then i won't have much time left. i might not get to experience it at all. i'm scared of every second that's gonna come. i know everyday i have my own surprise. i don't want it to end just like that.i hope things are just gonna be fine.

Sometimes, life is just gonna treat you like shit. No matter what you just have to face it. You are gonna be surrounded with weird minded people and toxic ones. Problem's gonna come and you just have to face it. As you grow older, you started to realize that people is gonna come and go making you like a pit stop. Few are gonna stay if you're lucky. My entire life, i have less then 5 people that stayed with me till today. I am so grateful to have them to help face all this puzzles, problems, drama, dilemma, troubles and more. I am also very happy to know that they are still there when you're happy, at ease, sad, mad, in confusion, broke, and broken. i'm glad to have friends, and family also pets! To know that i'm not facing the world alone and to know that i have a chance to survive. I'm turning 20 very soon. i hope for my 2 decades of life is gonna be worth it and lesser regrets. I don't want to cause more trouble then i already have. I love them including my family. I just need to know how to love myself.

no title

i hate it when i quarrel with my mom. it NEVER  ends well i'm tired with things like this i hate being me it reall sucks!! i WANT MY MOM back. the one that i had when i was a kid the one who UNDERSTANDS me. not the ones who neglects her family and kids. i know what i said to her that day was harsh but it was the bitter truth. i miss her so much but she ends things with things i don't want to listen. i hate her so much but i still love her. ergh stop doing this to me. i'm your kid not your worker/servant/whatever you call it. i had enough

She Died

I'm not perfect I have flaws. I cry. I made mistakes. But what I know about myself is that I’m strong enough to face bullshit that you put up for 3 fucking years. I held my tears, my anger, and I even make sure I look good enough for you. I make sure that I take good care of myself for you. But you never gave a damn shit on what I did. When you lost me you realised those by that time it's too late. The person who did all that is now dead. The moment she gave up on you, that’s when she died. She’s not coming back because of you. Where were you when she needed you? Didn’t she make you happy? She gave all of her when she was yours right? But why? Why did you make her felt that way? As if she wasn’t enough, as if she hurt you, as if she never been there for you. You let her slip away. You let her fall. She appreciated you. She stood there when you fell she held you up again. But you didn’t appreciate her at all. Wasn't she enough?