life's puzzle

life is so short and full of mystery i have no idea how to explain and figure it out. All i know is to hv fun while i can. i miss every moment i had back then. no regrets on what i did cause i know i can never turn back time. i can't wait for what's gonna come soon. truthfully saying i cannot wait to get married i cannot wait to hv kids. i cannot wait for that part of me to appear in my life. but i know by then i won't have much time left. i might not get to experience it at all. i'm scared of every second that's gonna come. i know everyday i have my own surprise. i don't want it to end just like that.i hope things are just gonna be fine.

Sometimes, life is just gonna treat you like shit. No matter what you just have to face it. You are gonna be surrounded with weird minded people and toxic ones. Problem's gonna come and you just have to face it. As you grow older, you started to realize that people is gonna come and go making you like a pit stop. Few are gonna stay if you're lucky. My entire life, i have less then 5 people that stayed with me till today. I am so grateful to have them to help face all this puzzles, problems, drama, dilemma, troubles and more. I am also very happy to know that they are still there when you're happy, at ease, sad, mad, in confusion, broke, and broken. i'm glad to have friends, and family also pets! To know that i'm not facing the world alone and to know that i have a chance to survive. I'm turning 20 very soon. i hope for my 2 decades of life is gonna be worth it and lesser regrets. I don't want to cause more trouble then i already have. I love them including my family. I just need to know how to love myself.

no title

i hate it when i quarrel with my mom. it NEVER  ends well i'm tired with things like this i hate being me it reall sucks!! i WANT MY MOM back. the one that i had when i was a kid the one who UNDERSTANDS me. not the ones who neglects her family and kids. i know what i said to her that day was harsh but it was the bitter truth. i miss her so much but she ends things with things i don't want to listen. i hate her so much but i still love her. ergh stop doing this to me. i'm your kid not your worker/servant/whatever you call it. i had enough

She Died

I'm not perfect I have flaws. I cry. I made mistakes. But what I know about myself is that I’m strong enough to face bullshit that you put up for 3 fucking years. I held my tears, my anger, and I even make sure I look good enough for you. I make sure that I take good care of myself for you. But you never gave a damn shit on what I did. When you lost me you realised those by that time it's too late. The person who did all that is now dead. The moment she gave up on you, that’s when she died. She’s not coming back because of you. Where were you when she needed you? Didn’t she make you happy? She gave all of her when she was yours right? But why? Why did you make her felt that way? As if she wasn’t enough, as if she hurt you, as if she never been there for you. You let her slip away. You let her fall. She appreciated you. She stood there when you fell she held you up again. But you didn’t appreciate her at all. Wasn't she enough? 

Adam

i've been in a relationship with this guy for a very long time. he literally meant the world to me. he literally is the only one that i wanna be with but he's not showing effort. he's not a bf material at all. i really wish he'd do something to make it up to me despite the shit he has put up and made me go through. i really love him i do. but i'm not gonna show it yet. not until he shows me he loves me. i've been hurt a couple hundred times. by the same person. yet here i am standing still trying to show him that i am with him no matter what the situation is. i really wish he'd stop hiding shit from me. if i were to marry a guy, i don't want to be the one who knows about shit the very last minute. if so you wanna make me your wife be open to me. say out what's bothering you and just tell me. i'm a wife and suppose to be your no.1 supporter in almost all situation. i'm disappointed with my own bf. really do. if Allah let us be together till the end, our engagement year and marriage year aren't far apart. i don't want shit to happen anymore. i'm exhausted trying to cover up his shit. i hv my own shits to cover up too. i hv my problems to solve too. i'm madly, deeply in love with this guy. my heart says to be stronger but my brain literally tells me to quit trying. i need him i still do. but if he's not ready then i guess he should just stop trying and giving me hope and still make me believe that "this" could still work. engagement year is getting near and here me and my bf are slowly falling apart hard time. idk what to do rn. really am disappointed.

shattered hearts

family are people who you trust, family are people who you rely on to. my fault as to trust the wrong person as a family. i had 7 awesome brothers an a sister. they are the people who i actually called homies, my familia. People who i trust the most, but i can't believe there was a poison among the 9 of us. a person who we all took as a family and a person who we felt pity for. that person legitly don't deserve to be accepted in the circle the first place.

i'm not saying this because i hate her. i don't. i'm just disappointed why would she do such thing to me and the whole family. especially me. if i were to expose shit about her it'd be bad af she might have to stop studying but i really don't wanna do it. but she made me feel that way instead. i have no idea why? was it because i was pissed at her and called her a bitch right infront of her face or was it because she felt insecure with me?

whatever her reason is idc anymore i just have shattered hearts rn and really don't wanna see her or even text her. not after what she had done. she didn't even came up and apologize to  me. but imma stop bragging about her rn. i'm tired of shit.

safe place.

agaknya aku dah takde tmpt tht i can call my safe place dah kut. aq dah hilang semua. cuma blog ni jela yang ada.

my life is literally wrecked.

at times its rainbows and butterfly but mostly it's just thunder storm and lightning.

i want my old self back. the arrogant boy hater emo punk who minds her own fucking business.

penatla nak fikir pasl orang. hakikatnya mana ada yang fikir pasal kita. sakit hati kita, susah payah kita, sape je yang ambik kisah?

i need a safe place. a home. someone in my life who wrecked me up outside but always keep me safe inside.

SONGS

I dont actually understand myself how some song gives so much affection to me. i feel myself going on the right path making the right mistakes and doing the right thing. at a point where music make me feel like its ok to be not wanted by others, it's ok to be where you are now. music makes me feel like, the world isn't as sophisticated as it looks. it's an open world. only a few people would hate you and make fun of you. not all will discriminate you. it's just that we have so little communication with people who will actually understands you. it's sometimes ok to be the outcast you dont have to feel so left out. all you gotta do is live your own world. rock it like no other. trust yourself and do/be what you want. my type of songs which make me feel so fucking free is
1. Avril Lavigne
2. Simple Plan
3. Linkin Park
4. Boys Like Girls

i can list a hell lot more but these are what i love most especially Avie 💓

fool

i screwed up pretty bad this time. i didn't tell the right person on time now it's to late. i know things wont be the same anymore but what can i say... things happen on a way you wont expect.. however or whatever is going to happen next always conslut the right person. no one else is better than the ones at home. at some points even ur friends arent that reliable

Little girl

i want to be called as someone's little girl. it's hard to throw that felling away. i still have feelings for him. guess all i can do is lie that i hate him. now and forever. i really wish i can turn back time and fix things back. i know what i'm doing now is making things worst. but to be fair i can't let  myself suffer alone. he was that guy i thought i can be together with and forget my past. but i guess i was wrong. he was not much different that others. i made a wrong choice and got stuck with it. what made me to have feelings for him bcoz i saw his other side. i saw his weak side and i want so much to protect him and tell him to stop being so insecure about things around him. i want to tell him that he can make change towards himself and there is still hope. i know how much insecure he is about himself towards others. what he has and dont, those stuff aren't necessary for him to think. scared you'll get off track and not wanted by others. he does not have to worry bout that bcoz i want to tell him so bad that everybody is there for him. I am there for him. it's true what he did to me was unforgiven, but it's not wrong for me to forgive, and i am still trying to forgive him.

what have i done?

i was blinded by love i was drunk by lust
i made a mistake and i can't turn back time
i don't know what to do
all i have in mind is suicidal act
if i have not fallen for you
i wouldnt be in this dramatical act

i have to act and put on a straight face
each time i feel the pain
i know i dont have hope
i know there's no way out.
but you know if i can't settle this out
you'll be the one they're gonna seek out