Train Wreck

 If things were different I would probably have a happy life with the perfect boyfriend. Not having ti hurt anybody with my indecisive self. i would have the right answer to all the questions. would be more understanding and have the right sympathy and empathy. Wish my brain would be helpful. Now my life has been a train wreck. A terrible apocalyptic train wreck. I wish i was normal. i really do. 

If you found this, read it.

 i'm in denial, that's what it is. i'm scared at the same time. i hate bipolar. but then i just feel like sometimes it's my fault i'm at this position. I tried my best doing all the things i thought i could. Trying to save everything without knowing my limit. trying to let go things i know i couldn't but i did it anyways. I wouldn't say "in loving memories" I'd say, "in all the tormented ways you left me. I've never hurt this much in my life. thanks to you, I've felt it in a first class seat. Now all i know is pain, depressed, and hopeless. I've hurt many people because of what you left in me. I even hurt my boyfriend because of you. Are you happy now? watching and making me like this? I hope to never see you again. May death comes faster than i expect. Be it you or me, I don't care anymore. Brother my ass!

Friends

 Friends,

It's a thing if you have one,

You're popular,

It's a thing if you don't have one,

You're bitter

Being a socialist,

Thriving to be in the list,

Being an introvert,

Trying to stay quiet,

It's not I prioritize them more than I did with you,

It's not I disregard your existence,

I love them but not more than I love you,

I value them but not to keep you in the distance,

As precious they are to me,

You are the only one who gets me,

Among all the boundaries,

They've crossed and forced me to leave,

You on the other hand made it easy,

For me to reach and made it easy,

For me to reach,

To the place we'd be,

Together, Forever.

For you.

 For You,

Who comes first in any day,

Who matters first in any time,

Who made me feel loved in any way,

I love you.

Sun don't shine,

World wont turn,

It's cliché but fine,

I'll let our love burn.

Proud and amaze, 

Of how strong you are,

I know I'm like a maze

But you'd always find where my favourite spots are,

I can't be romantic,

I'm hopeless romantic,

But you took your time,

To see me share my shine;

I fall. I break,

I cry, I fake

No matter who am I,

You'd greet me with a smile.

A life with you,

Will one day be my hardest goodbye,

As long as i still have you, 

You will always be my favourite "HI"

Kisses and hugs can cure a sad face,

But you'll always be my happy place,

I know this is dumb,

But this is my way to say,

I love you Muhd Adam,

And I wish you'll stay.

A lil note for those who still read my blog

 Manusia smua lain2, muni lain dri org lain. Muni sakit and suka pendam. Bila bersuara smua jdi salah. Bnd tu lama2 jd kebiasaan dan lama2 jd sunyi. Biarla org syg and kisah kita bnyk mana pun. Tetap muni rasa sunyi. Sorry tapi muni dh x boleh nak communicate mcm org lain. Biar la muni pendam dan mengiyakan segala2nya. Demi kepuasan org lain muni sanggup diam. Muni dah tk nak rasa mcm beban kat org lain. Sebab muni sendiri rasa diri ni beban. Nak hadap bipolar, nak hadap thalassemia, kne jga hati org lagi. Berat muni pikul ni dah bertambah2 dri hari ke hari. Betul la org ckp, buat baik divalas baik, buat jahat jgn sekali. Jahat yg sekali tu la yg akan kekal dlm otak dan hati org. Baik kita sebesar planet pun org tkkn pandang bila bnd jahat tu dtg. Dulu muni oenah ada diary. Menangis marah seronok smua dlm tu. Tp dh kne makan anai2 biarla..muni nak lupa hidup muni yg dlu. Walaupun muni lg happy masa dlu.. muni nak lupa sbb happy mcm mna pun muni, tetap ada sedih yg muni tk boleh lepas. Kalau satu hari nnt muni dh x bgn dri tidur, muni harap org lain fhm yg tu la ape muni nak. Thank you sbb sanggup baca dari awal smpai habis. Muni syg smua❤️

Back to writing weird things

I'm 23 now and many shit has happened. I'm diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and still struggling with my thallasemia. i'm at my urge of giving up on life (like i always do). i don't know what kept me standing up to today. Is it my boyfriend? or myself? or my family? (i doubt that). I'm now working as a receptionist while i waiting for my degree entrance. it might be on October this year. i'm on quetapine 150mg. wee it's still a small dose. a lot of things has happened since i stopped writing. kinda miss he feeling of writing m blog. oh i'm still unmarried tho. i do want to get married but idk.. my bf doesnt talk abt it much. it's a bummer. welp, more freedom for me then. gotta go back to work now.. bye2

Depression

Hello people who still reads my blog. So recently, i was diagnosed with depression. OK I admit that i do have the symptoms of a depression but i don't bother much cause i thought mine was still something I could control. Until one day, my chest was pounding fast and I was unable to breath normally. I was about to faint. Since I am still doing my Internship, my colleagues suggested i should take the day off and head to clinic. I was unable to drive due to the dizziness and i called my boyfriend to take a Grab to my office and pick me up. He drove my car to get me breakfast and then to the clinic.