I have decided and I'm certain.

Things are never easy. I cry most of the time though I'm a big girl now. Most importantly, my emotions are more in control now. Being an adult sucks. Falling in and out of love sucks. Feeling sorry most of the time is even more traumatic. Anyhow, memories are still made. 

I love this guy too much to let him go just like that. I'm still cautious but I'm still in love. He means everything to me. Yes, there were a lot of misunderstanding, a lot of screams, a lot of crying and even sighing. Almost 11 years knowing this guy made me realise that I cannot simply take my life for granted. He was there during every cut I had on my hand. He was there during every rage and outburst I had. He was there when I was the weakest. Some of the time he was there as the cause and some, as the solution. My friends call me an idiot to stay in this relationship cause they saw the bad things that happened to me from him cause I hardly show them the good things he made. I was gatekeeping that's for sure. I'm too scared to show because the last time I did I almost lost my life and him. I want him in my life. Be it good or bad I still want him. So what if it's toxic, nothing on earth is not toxic -except non-toxic crayons. Frankly speaking, nothing on earth is challenge-free. He is the reason I want to get well. He is the reason I want to survive and see my future. He is the person that held my hand through thick and thin. He was the only one who saw me at my worst and didn't leave. He saw the monster in me that nobody knew about. He stayed anyways. He never once said he wants to end things. I was the only one who could not bear to see him with me and my monster. I was scared he'd run away or couldn't stand it. He always agree to what I say. He always know what's in my head. He always recognise when I'm gonna split. 11 years is long. At times I felt like I wasted my years with him, at times I see that I've wasted his years but most of the time, I saw that those long years was how I grew up with him. I love him unconditionally. I'll be lying to myself if I say I hate him. I have never once hated him. I might said it but I have never felt it. Yes, he is dumb and annoying but he'll always be the one I run to when I'm in need. That promise I had with myself when I was 15 still has not been broken. I never did fell in love with someone else after him. He was not my first love but surely the last. 

Happy birthday Bulat. May your years be filled with blessings and happiness. Always remember that I never did and will hate you. You will always have a special place in my heart. Always.

10 years

 In my previous post about the boat is about how i feel obligated to stay in the relationship. Today officially I stop talking to him. Sometimes, in a win-lose situation, you need to put urself first and move forward. I find it hard to accept this fate but I believe that there will be a time for me to finally be indulge by the person who appreciate me and my efforts. What should I expect when the relationship is 10-year long and still no progress. I wasted a decade of my time putting hope and faith in him just to see him use me as a scapegoat. I know I'm an idiot. My friends told me the same thing and my ex is not good at communicating which made it worse. He was never interested with getting to know and meet my friends but expect me to accept his friends. He waited every year for his birthday surprise but never celebrated mine (only twice within the 10 years). I was his problem solver even when he cheated. I was his place to whine and be mad at. I was the person he gossips abt his acquaintance but when it comes to mine, he's never interested to listen because most of my friends are guys. So for you who's reading this run when u saw the first red-flag or else, you're gonna get stuck like me too. 

Bipolar vs friends

 I'm trying so hard trying to maintain my sanity. I want to go berserk so much but i know it's gonna burn bridges. I have no more energy trying to control myself and apparently at this state i believe my meds are not working. I'm literally at the brink of my life. I don't know where I'll fall and those people i thought who'd catch me was never there. I'm alone and I'm scared. I'm too scared because i know how much of a monster i can be. I don't have anyone in my life that understand how my bipolar works. I'm back in my depression phase and I'm trying my best to avoid unwanted events but the pressure i'm going through is killing me. I desperately want to kill myself right now. I really hate this feeling and i cannot control it. I don't know where to get help and i'm far from my hometown and my mom is sick. I have no one right now.  

Boat

Being a student is hard yes but being in a relationship that's like a sinking boat is harder. you know it's about to sink but SOMEHOW it didn't. I'm tired of panic attacks and paranoia and overthinking things. It's exhausting. I know that I should've leave the moment it started to have holes and water slowly coming in but i can't cause it was my boat. It was my effort on every plank and nails. It was mine to begin with. He was the one that hopped in. He was the one that started to touch things he shouldn't have. It was suppose to be a boat that could fit a family and the fact that it is at a sinking state made me realize how hard work can turn to waste. I'm tired of asking him to fix it and I'm tired to be the only one who knows how to fix it. I want to leave so bad but that's my boat. I built it. I took it through all the storms and hurricane. Yes there was sunny days and warmth and sunshine. But when storms barge in I was the only one standing in the deck. Its like a one man show. It's a fucking boat! I can't do it alone!

Impulsive

 I have to agree that the old me is dead but somehow the new me is much more bitchier. The fact that I am now very much aware of how my surrounding work its either I don't give a fuck or I fuck around too much. I'm not here to give fake hopes anymore but sometimes it's fun to watch them beg. I know the old me would enjoy looking at people begging me but now I feel too guilty too face them that way. I am now a grown-ass women and I'm honestly done being bitchy. I just don't know how this would end. I want a happy ending not a troubled unresolve ending. I am growing and I am still trying my best to pick up the pieces and carefully mold them back together. I am trying to heal the old wounds that never left. It's just ridiculous when I looked back. I miss the old days yes but I really have to bury them deep. 

The Gap

Being the person i am, I hate doing assignments. I don't mind exams or quizzes or tests. I'm just too lazy to bother about assignments but then again, I need them in order to register what I've learn so far. I feel like shit when it comes to group assignments. I will do it but then I get anxious when i complete them. Yes I'm fucking insecure about my work. I feel like what I'm doing is not good enough. I feel like I'm not in the same level with my groupmates. despite the age gap, I feel illiterate and i don't actually like how my roommate keep asking me what work I'm doing cause it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I can hear the disappointment in her "ok" or sigh. I know she means well but growing old makes you worry too much to enjoy the little things. Especially when u have bipolar. Sometimes it ok and most of it it's not.

Sakura is now back with her ****

 So, after a whole lot of shit that happened in the past few years i am finally starting to live. I gotta say that i literally miss a lot of things and my vocab has decrease so bad that i shocked myself re-reading the past post i've written in this blog. Anyways, I will start posting again after a fucking long break and it's not gonna be something child-suitable content. I love writing and i forgot how in love i was with my own words. The new posts are gonna be hectic as it was before. Sakura is back and she will obviously slay this time. I'mma get back to my assignments now, so i'll write soon! bye! -for now 

Love, Mur Sakura